Divorce and the impact on children

“A divorce is a highly stressful and emotional experience for everyone involved, but children often feel that their whole world has turned upside down.

At any age, it can be traumatic to witness the dissolution of your parents’ marriage and the breakup of the family. Children may experience a variety of emotions, they might feel shocked, uncertain, or angry, some may even feel guilty, blaming themselves for the problems at home.

Divorce is never a seamless process and, inevitably, such a transitional time doesn’t happen without some measure of grief. But you can dramatically reduce your children’s pain by making their well-being your top priority. Your patience, reassurance, and listening ear can minimize tension as your children learn to cope with unfamiliar circumstances.

What the child wants from mom and dad during a divorce.

• I need both of you to stay involved in my life. Please call me, text, and ask me lots of questions. When you don’t stay involved, I feel like I’m not important and that you don’t really love me.

• Please stop fighting and work hard to get along with each other. Try to agree on matters related to me. When you fight about me, I think that I did something wrong and I feel guilty.

• I want to love you both and enjoy the time that I spend with each of you. Please support me and the time that I spend with each of you. If you act jealous or upset, I feel like I need to take sides and love one parent more than the other.

• Please communicate directly with each other so that I don’t have to send messages back and forth between you.

• When talking about my other parent, please say only kind things, or don’t say anything at all. When you say mean, unkind things about my other parent, I feel like you are expecting me to take your side.

• Please remember that I want both of you in my life. I count on my mom and dad to raise me, to teach me what is important, and to help me when I have problems.

Help your child grieve the divorce.

For children, divorce can feel like an intense loss—the loss of a parent, the loss of the family, or simply the loss of the life they knew. You can help your children grieve their loss and adjust to new circumstances by helping them express their emotions.

• Listen. Encourage your child to share their feelings and really listen to them. They may be feeling sadness, loss or frustration about things you may not have expected.

• Help them find words for their feelings. It’s normal for children to have difficulty expressing their feelings. You can help them by noticing their moods and encouraging them to talk.

• Let them be honest. Children might be reluctant to share their true feelings for fear of hurting you. Let them know that whatever they say is okay. They may blame you for the divorce but if they aren’t able to share their honest feelings, they will have a harder time working through them.

• Make talking about the divorce an ongoing process. As children age and mature, they often have new questions, feelings, or concerns about what happened, so you may want to go over the same ground again and again.

• Acknowledge their feelings. You may not be able to fix their problems or change their sadness to happiness, but it is important for you to acknowledge their feelings rather than dismissing them. You can also inspire trust by showing that you understand.

Provide stability through the divorce.

While it’s good for children to learn to be flexible, adjusting to many new circumstances at once can be very difficult. Help your children adjust to change by providing as much stability and structure as possible in their daily lives. Remember that establishing structure and continuity doesn’t mean that you need rigid schedules or that mom and dad’s routines need to be exactly the same. Children feel safer and more secure when they know what to expect next. Knowing that, even when they switch homes, dinnertime is followed by homework and then a bath, for example, can set a child’s mind at ease. Maintaining routine also means continuing to observe rules, rewards, and discipline with your children. Resist the temptation to spoil children during a divorce by not enforcing limits or allowing them to break rules.

Work with your ex.

Conflict between parents—separated or not—can be very damaging for children. It’s crucial to avoid putting your children in the middle of your fights, or making them feel like they have to choose between you.

The following tips can save your children a lot of heartache.

1. Take it somewhere else. Never argue in front of your children, whether it’s in person or over the phone. Ask your ex to talk another time, or drop the conversation altogether.

2. Use tact. Refrain from talking with your children about details of the other parent’s behavior. It’s the oldest rule in the book: if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

3. Be nice. Be polite in your interactions with your ex-spouse. This not only sets a good example for your children but can also encourage your ex to be gracious in response.

4. Look on the bright side. Choose to focus on the strengths of all family members. Encourage children to do the same.

5. Work on it. Make it a priority to develop an amicable relationship with your ex-spouse as soon as possible. Watching you be friendly can reassure children and teach problem-solving skills as well.

Normal reactions to divorce.

Although strong feelings can be tough on children, the following reactions are normal for children following divorce.

• Anger. Your children may express their anger, rage, and resentment with you and your spouse for destroying their sense of normalcy.

• Anxiety. It’s natural for children to feel anxious when faced with big changes in their lives.

• Mild depression. Sadness about the family’s new situation is normal, and sadness coupled with a sense of hopelessness and helplessness is likely to become a mild form of depression.

It will take some time for your children to work through their issues about the separation or divorce, but you should see gradual improvement over time.

Here are some suggestions to keep in mind.

§ Make it clear your child is loved.

When a parent regularly doesn't come through, children assume that they are somehow to blame. If only they were more fun or better behaved, they believe, then surely their parent would want to be with them. As a result, self-esteem can plummet. You need to continually reassure your child that the other parent's lack of commitment has nothing to do with her "lovability." If, say, your daughter's father failed to show up, you might tell her, "Even adults make big mistakes, and sometimes they hurt the people they love. Cancelling at the last minute - even when he knows that the visit means so much to you - is wrong. But it doesn't mean you're not loved."

§ Don't sugar-coat the situation.

If you make excuses for the other parent, it cuts off your child's chance to express himself. "If a parent cancels because of a bad cold but went to work that day with the same cold, it's important that your child feel free to voice his feelings. Let your child vent without your criticizing or apologizing for the absent parent.

§ Encourage your child to communicate.

You can encourage children to talk to the other parent about his/her lack of follow-through. Expressing themselves gives children a sense of empowerment and can help ease their frustration. Even if nothing changes, your child will feel better knowing he/she made an effort to remedy the situation. Talk to your child about voicing disappointment without lashing out in anger. He/she might say: "I miss you," "It hurts my feelings when you cancel," or "I'm embarrassed when everyone's mom and dad is at the game but mine." If s/he's uncomfortable talking about the issue, suggest s/he send a letter or a text message.

§ Be willing to alter the visitation schedule.

Of course, consistency is important, but some flexibility on your part can increase an ex's ability to come through. If certain days or times are continually missed, for example, you might say, "If Tuesday dinners aren't good, what would be better?"

§ Get others involved.

Attempt to include other reliable, caring adults in your child's life. Not only are devoted family members and friends role models your child can depend on, but their commitment takes pressure off you.

§ Don't fight in front of your kids - period.

Heated conversations regarding unreliability or finances should take place on the phone when your children aren't around. No one is saying you must be best friends. Some couples simply can't get along or trust each other and aren't likely to. But for your children's sake, you must stop fighting in front of them.

§ Aim for peaceful transitions.

Even if you're not openly argumentative, children can sense tension and become anxious themselves. No matter how upset or angry you feel, be civil. If you truly can't, it might be best for your ex to collect your child from neutral ground; at a friend's, at school, or at a McDonald's - and you can leave for your car when you see him drive in.

§ Say goodbye with a smile.

When your child does go off to be with the other parent, make it clear that you're happy s/he's spending time with him. Let your child know s/he doesn't need to worry about you. This will help your ex feel less tense about pickups too.

§ Send the right welcome-home message.

Parents are often unsure what to say when their children come home from an ex's house. They don't want to seem disinterested, yet they're concerned about appearing too inquisitive. To play it safe, they may say nothing. This silence unconsciously sends the message that you're either unhappy, disapproving, or uncomfortable with the time he spent with his other parent. Or it makes the child feel as if the visit has betrayed you in some way.

How to best handle their return? Pretend your children came home from a weekend at their grandparents' house. Be interested and supportive.

§ Allow kids to express disappointment.

Don't downplay your child's pain and sadness. While done with the best intentions, telling children comforting things like "It's better this way" and "Don't worry, everything will be fine" sends the message that you can't deal with your child's unhappiness, or worse, that he shouldn't feel that way. Whether s/he's upset about the divorce in general or about something more specific, like a parent's having to work late again, anger and disappointment are normal, healthy emotional reactions. A child is entitled to these feelings and should be able to talk about them without worrying that his parents will be upset or angry. Offer your support and comfort by letting your child know you understand and that his feelings matter. Then s/he'll be free to confront disappointment rather than avoid it.

If you want to learn more about these skills to assist your child during the time of grief or want your child to learn skills to successfully adapt to their new normal, please contact me.

Counselling is not just for children or parents in crisis. It's also for those who want to learn new skills to assist them in the future.