Pornography: Pre-Teens and Teens?!

According to the 2021 annual report, 68.97% of pre-teens and 90.73% of teens encountered nudity or content of a sexual nature online.

For today’s generation children can find inappropriate content with a two-second Google search, no matter where they are or what time it is. Right now, there are at least 4.5 million pornography sites on the web, and every minute, 63,992 new visitors arrive at Pornhub; a popular streaming platform for sexual content.

What parents need to know about children watching pornography.

While the age of digital information is here to stay, and indeed benefits humanity in many ways, it’s risks to pre-teens and teens cannot be stressed enough. One such risk is exposure of children to age-inappropriate content such as pornography.

Effects of pornographic exposure on children.

The answer to the questions “can children watch porn” and “should children watch porn” is an obvious “no”. While the loss of innocence is often considered a subjective ill effect of underage pornography exposure, the objective effects are serious.

Psychological: The automatic sexual arousal through viewing such sites, without being aware of the biological aspects of it, can induce fear and guilt in the child. Exposure to online sexual content way before a child’s natural transition into adolescence can desensitize them to sex and could potentially induce engagement in dangerous sexual behavior as an adolescent.

Social: The desensitization to sex could in turn lead to objectification of human bodies – irrespective of genders – which could adversely affect later relationships.

Signs of pornographic exposure in children.

The anonymity accessibility and affordability, in addition to the physical isolation of the digital domain makes it hard for a parent or caregiver to know of a child’s exposure to pornography. What are some common signs that indicate that a child could be consuming pornographic material?

• Unnatural curiosity of the child about sex and genitals

• Unusual behavior such as withdrawal from interactions, sleeplessness or over-sleeping, changes in eating habits, etc.

• A child being secretive with his/her digital use – switching tabs suddenly in the presence of an adult, taking the device to the bathroom, locking oneself inside a room, etc.

• Removing parental filters and screen time tracking

• Overprotectiveness about their devices

• Increased internet usage, especially at nights

• Physical outbursts of anger, fear and anxiety, especially after being on a digital device

• Use of words and language inappropriate and unsuitable for their age

• Indications of premature sexual activity including masturbation

• Withdrawal symptoms in the absence of the internet

• Unexpected popups and inappropriate emails in shared computers

Many of the above symptoms may indicate other problems such as cyberbullying and internet addiction, in addition to pornography and must be tackled in any case.

Have a plan for how to talk to children about pornography.

Knowing how to talk to children about pornography in the right manner is so important when discussing such a delicate (and awkward) topic. Your first instinct might be to take away your child’s phone or laptop if you’ve learned that they’re looking at pornography. But that could encourage them to not talk to you about difficult issues in their life, and it could lead them to go to greater lengths to hide what they’re doing online. Instead of banning access to technology altogether, come up with a solution that both you and your child can agree to.

If your child is a pre-teen or younger, you might even find that talking through an age-appropriate book about pornography can help guide your conversation. Your plan of action may vary depending on your family’s values. Options range from making a tech contract with established rules to setting up parental controls that will make it more difficult for your child to access pornography on their device. This can include screen time limits and even web filters. No matter what you choose to do, make sure your child understands why you’ve chosen this course of action, and don’t be afraid to revisit the conversation.

When the time comes, do not shame them for viewing pornography.

Learning how to talk to children about pornography is hard. It can be awkward to start a conversation with your child about pornography; both for you and for them; and it’s important to keep that in mind. Your child might feel embarrassed, ashamed, upset, or afraid, and a cooling-off period can make a big difference. Instead of making them feel like they’ve done something wrong, make sure to approach the topic calmly. This will help them feel more comfortable opening up and listening. Sexual curiosity is a natural part of a child’s development, and so is acknowledging that they aren’t “broken” just for having questions about sex. If you haven’t had the “birds and the bees” talk yet, now may be the time. And if you’ve already broached the topic, readdress it and ask if they have any additional questions.

Speak about how pornography is unrealistic.

If your child has been watching pornography or inappropriate sexual content, you may want to have a candid conversation about what they’ve seen.

Start by explaining that pornography doesn’t always represent what happens when regular people have sex. Your child’s favorite superhero movie, for example, is fun to watch, but the people in it are just actors and the special effects are all made by computers. Pornography is similarly unrealistic in many ways, and it can even perpetuate unhealthy ideas about relationships or body image. These conversations can also help children develop the emotional intelligence they need to create healthy relationships.

Explain the potential dangers of watching pornography.

Take the time to explain to your child why pornography can have a negative effect on them. For some families, this might mean saying that pornography is against their values or moral convictions. But for other families, this might just mean talking about how viewing pornography can give children skewed views about sex. You can also discuss how pornography can perpetuate sexist views, especially when it comes to how women are treated.

This is also a good time to talk about consent. No matter how old your child is, you can discuss what that means in age-appropriate ways. If your child is a tween or younger, you can stick to examples that aren’t necessarily as sexualized. For example, you can talk about the fact that they must ask their friend’s permission before playing with their toys, in the same way, they should also get someone’s permission before initiating physical contact.

Primary points to consider when it comes to pornography and adolescents.

All Sex Becomes Normalized

When children see pornographic material, they tend to think of sex as a means of pleasure, not intimacy. Because the act is displayed for pleasure only, it removes any emotional bond that would otherwise exist. A side effect of this is that sex is no longer viewed as special or important. Instead, it’s more of an entitlement. Also, the type of sex that they perceive as “normal” can be much more intense, leading to more violent and abusive interactions.

Women are Objectified

When men watch porn regularly, they stop viewing women as people and more as sexual objects. Thus, they start to believe that women are only suitable for intercourse, and little else. In explicit videos, the women are always submissive, which can make men feel that they are more entitled to sexual gratification.

Sex is consequence-free

When learning about sex through educational classes or a parent or guardian, children can hear about the negative consequences that can happen, such as STDs or unwanted pregnancy. These things don’t exist in porn, so children don’t realize that they can happen.

Overall, sex becomes much more about immediate pleasure than anything else, and it can warp your child’s mind when he or she is exposed to explicit content regularly from a young age.

SIX mistakes parents make when they learn their child is watching pornography.

Imagine finding pornography on your husband’s computer or phone for the first time, you may experience feelings of shock, anger, hurt, and being anxious all at once.

If you’ve ever unexpectedly found pornography on your child’s device, you may have felt the same shock. Since most children will see pornography before they are 18, many parents like you are facing this distressing experience.

Your husband might have fell into the pornography trap through magazines and grainy videos, while children today only have to take out the device in their pockets to access pornographic content. We need different tools to protect our children now, but one thing has not changed; the importance of the relationship between parent and child. From your husband’s experience, you’re probably learned that communication is key, shame is detrimental, and boundaries are essential.

MISTAKE ONE: Use shame as a deterrent

You might believe that if you make your child feel bad enough about their mistakes, they would stop. Now I know that saying shaming things like, “I can’t believe you would do this!” could be as harmful as whatever they were doing in the first place. Why? Because over time, they will eventually see themselves as a bad kid instead of a good kid who made a bad choice. That shame leads children to hide. And hiding keeps children from getting the help they need. Most children will automatically feel some sort of shame about watching something that is inappropriate. In order to help children get past the shame and talk to you freely, you can speak in ways that help them know they are unconditionally loved no matter what choices they make.

MISTAKE TWO: Ignore the problem

There are two reasons why parents sometimes fail to talk to their children even when they know they have seen pornography. Some parents feel that pornography is a normal part of growing up and learning about sexuality. Unfortunately, pornography has become so violent and degrading that children can learn very disturbing and harmful lessons about sex online. Other parents are overcome with fear because they don’t know what to say or how their children will react. I know it’s difficult to have hard conversations with children.

Leaning into the discomfort to establish boundaries for your children will pay off. Children need a parent to help unravel those harmful images and explain why they are unrealistic, disrespectful, and manipulative. That is why we want to talk about it right away if your child looks at pornography.

MISTAKE THREE: Take away all technology

Sometimes when you first find pornography on your child’s device, your immediate reaction is to take away all the devices, apps, and internet access that could possibly be a gateway to pornographic material. While rules and boundaries are necessary, you will do well to be sensitive to our child’s online culture. When pre-teens and teens have grown up communicating with their friends through social media, then cutting off that access can actually breed isolation. Also, if children worry that you will take away their technology completely, they will be more likely to hide their exposure to pornography. And finally, you want your children to learn to use technology wisely while they have you to guide them, rather than making their mistakes out on their own when they leave home. I understand the feeling of just wanting to shut it all down entirely. But if you become smothering and fearful, you can drive your children away from you. It’s a balancing act for sure. Have conversations about what you think is safe. Ask them what they think is safe. Set up rules and accountability with their technology. Practice situations they may encounter online and ask them how they might handle it. If they don’t know, you’ll be right there to guide them.

MISTAKE FOUR: Make assumptions

When we are in a panic, our imaginations sometimes run wild. You can easily begin to believe the worst about how your child was exposed to porn, why they looked at it, and all the other things they may be trying to hide.

When you find your mind beginning to follow fears rather than facts, stop the train of thought immediately. You don’t need to assume that your child is:

• Actively searching for porn

• Addicted to pornography

• Rebelling against you

• Deliberately trying to deceive you

• On the road to becoming a sex offender

• Destined to fail in life in every possible way

Deal with the situation as it is now, not how you fear it might be.

MISTAKE FIVE: Blame yourself for everything

If you find your child looking at pornography, it’s natural to take a step back and think, “Where did I go wrong?” Getting weighed down with regret can keep you from being the parent your child needs right now.

The better question to ask is: “How can I help my child as we move forward?” What has happened has happened. The fact your child looked at pornography does not make you a “bad parent” any more than it makes him or her a “bad kid.” Wallowing in your own shame only reinforces the shame that your child is most likely feeling. Accept what’s happened and jump in to help.

The most important thing is how your child feels and the reinforcement of how much you love and care for them, no matter what. Unconditionally loving your child is life-changing!

MISTAKE SIX: Have a “one-and-done” conversation

Now that you have had that first talk about their experience with pornography, it is mission-critical to follow up over time to see how they are doing. Top pornography addiction therapist, Dr. Adam Moore, encourages parents to engage in multiple conversations with their children about pornography.

It’s not a one-time thing because pornography is never a one-time threat. Too many parents in the past thought that their children would never look at pornography again after they were “caught.” I get it: it’s awkward and not routine dinner-time conversation. Try bringing it up in the car when you’re alone together. Not having to make eye contact can be such a relief for children when they have to talk about difficult things.

Need some questions to help you get the ball rolling? Reminding your children that you are there to help them, not make them feel bad, is always a good place to start. Then, try these:

• Since the last time we talked, how are you doing with the porn stuff?

• Have you felt tempted to look for porn? If so, what do you do? Can we brainstorm some new ideas if you need them?

• Do thoughts of what you have seen keep coming back? What do you do when that happens? How can I help?

Don’t get caught off-guard: It’s completely understandable that finding pornography on your child’s device or hearing them confess their problem may make your heart skip a beat. You will naturally have emotional first reactions, but if you are prepared you can quickly shift into the calm, caring parent you want to be. Thinking this through ahead of time can make all the difference and change a potential confrontation into a moment of powerful connection.

Preventive measures.

Some steps that may be taken to protect children from online pornographic content are:

• Ensuring full parental access to the devices used by the child, especially if the child is below 10 years of age.

• The use of parental control tools such as Mobicip on devices. These can block inappropriate sources and help parents monitor device use by children.

• Enabling privacy protection features in social media accounts of children.

• Overseeing the apps installed by children. Some apps may contain aggressive adware and malware. Ensuring that all apps are installed from legitimate sources.

It is critical for parents and caregivers to have an honest and open communication channel. Such communication must include:

• A frank and possibly scientific discussion about relationships and sex, if the child is old enough to understand it.

• Educating the child about how to handle spam, instant messages or e-mails with obscene or aggressive content. There are external sources of help available for this.

• Knowing about the legality of online activities and educating children about the legal and illegal ways of using the internet.

A positive approach if the child has been exposed deliberately or accidentally to pornographic content, which does not shame the child but reassures that mistakes happen but we don’t repeat them. It is important to remember that shame may keep kids from seeking the help they need and therefore it is up to the adult to deal with this issue in a mature way that helps the child and not harms her. Most importantly, our children learn from how we behave, not what we say. There are strict laws on sending inappropriate pictures or sexting; that should be openly discussed with your children to ensure safety. A home that exudes love, openness and honesty is a natural protection for the child in the seedy underbelly of the internet.

If your child has been exposed to pornography, here are the five things that you should do.

Don't react impulsively.

The act has been done, nothing you do is going to undo this. So, even though it is the hardest thing in the world to do, you have to manage this with a cool head. Do not react immediately. If you catch them in the act, tell them that it is inappropriate and you would be discussing it with them. But, do so in a non-threatening manner. Sit down with your partner and write down some talking points on a piece of paper. You need to address the issue, and at the same time simplify it in such a manner that your child understands pornography for what it is; a perverted deviation of the reality. Have a discussion on the same day if possible, but not immediately (allow for a cooling-off period). Ensure that both the partners are there for the discussion if possible.

Discuss pornography with your child.

Use those talking points and discuss pornography with your child. It is not the time for euphemisms. It is better to be honest, and use appropriate biological terms to discuss the process. So, it is 'penis', 'vagina' and 'breasts'. This way, you show your child that sexual intercourse is a process not to be denigrated by using derogatory words for body parts.

Base the discussion on the following steps:

• Step 1: Tell them that you know about their exposure to pornography.

• Step 2: Tell them that it is OK, and they should not be ashamed of discussing sex. And it is natural to be aroused by watching pornography. Most of the children want to talk about sex, but don't know whom to approach. As parents, you are one of the best sources of satisfying your child's curiosities, not how actual sexual intercourse happens.

• Step 3: Tell them it is not how actual sexual intercourse happens. Share your views about sex. Stress on the emotional aspect of physical intimacy.

• Step 4: Convince them that pornography is rarely a depiction of the actual thing. Their body is going to change and chances are that it will not look like what they saw in the video. Tell your child that the body parts he or she might have witnessed are by no way a standard against which their self-esteem should be measured.

Encourage follow-up questions.

Trust me, he/she is brimming with questions. Encourage your child to ask them to you instead of somebody else. Answer them as directly as you can. Find the accepted terms for the various acts he/she might have seen. It will help you keep the discussion sensible. The most important thing, and I am stressing it again, is not to put fear or shame in your child's mind. If you do that, they are not going to stop watching porn. They will just make sure that you do not find out about it. And that is potentially disastrous.

Make it clear that it is not OK to continue watching pornography.

At the end, don't forget that your child is just a child. So, stress on the fact that there is much more to watch than pornography. There is an appropriate age for the consumption of alcohol. Likewise, there is an age after which, it is 'OK' though not recommended to watch pornography.

Curtail future exposure.

The next thing to do is investigate the source. Find out how he/she came across it. Was it an internet search? Did he/she accidentally stumble across it while watching something else? An easy way is to search the browser history. This will tell you exactly when it all began, and how much your child has been exposed. The next thing you do is install parental controls. Even though Google can control the search results to a large extent, you still need a Parental Control System for all of your devices. Delay the time your child actually 'owns' a device. Keep the computer in the living room. By doing this, your child will stick to their project than venturing on their own. And, if you have a younger child, avoid unsupervised screen time. You do not know what kind of content she might just be exposed to.