TRAUMA BONDING Can Make You Terrified Of "Losing" Your Abuser

I had a terribly abusive husband. My life with him was pure hell. I was trapped, I was told the only way I was getting out was in a box. I cried myself to sleep every single night and I begged God to rescue me. I was a prisoner and was cut off from all my friends and family.

One day, after a few years, I got the courage and the opportunity to escape. I had learned to numb myself and completely dissociate to make it through each day and night. I really had a hard time feeling anything at all. But, once I got out and got to where I was going, I sat down and sobbed. You would think in gratefulness of getting out right? No, I suddenly felt like I lost the love of my life and I wanted to go back! For a long time after I left, I felt like I wanted to go back to him and go “home” to my prison. It wasn’t until he asked me to come back to help him after an accident, that I realized I didn’t want him, the house, the life. In fact, I was terrified that I was back, but I couldn’t stop myself from going. I was able to get out again and never looked back, yet I wouldn’t press charges because I felt sorry for him, and I didn’t want to make his life worse. That’s a trauma bond. - Anonymous

Although the victim may disclose the abuse, the trauma bond means that the victim may also wish to receive comfort from the very same person who abused them.

A trauma bond refers to the deep emotional attachment one might feel towards their abuser and it is more likely to develop in those who have a history of abuse, exploitation, or emotional co-dependency in their past relationships, but in theory can happen to anyone. Trauma bonds can easily be mistaken for feelings of love and commitment towards another person. A trauma bond typically follows a cycle and rests on an imbalance of power. Recognizing the bond for what it is and getting help may help you to break it; although it’s not always easy, it is possible.

What Is Trauma Bonding.

Traumatic bonding is a psychological response to abuse (physical, emotional, psychological, etc.). It occurs when the abused person forms an unhealthy and toxic bond with the person who abuses them. The individual experiencing abuse may develop sympathy for the abusive person, which becomes reinforced by cycles of abuse, followed by remorse.

The time period of a traumatic bond can vary. This bond can typically develop over months, weeks, or even days. It’s important to note that not everyone who experiences abuse develops a trauma bond.

Leaving an abusive relationship usually is not as simple as walking out the door. Along with concerns about finding a place to live, supporting themself financially, or being prevented from possibly seeing their children or loved ones, one might feel tied to their partner and unable to break away. This emotional attachment, known as a traumatic bond, develops out of a repeated cycle of abuse, devaluation, and positive reinforcement.

The trauma of abuse might create powerful feelings one struggle to make sense of, especially when abuse alternates with kindness and intimacy. It is only natural to develop a bond with someone who treats you with kindness. Many abusive relationships begin with a shower of affection and assurances of love; love-bombing. When the abuse begins, it may take one by surprise. Afterward, the abusive partner might apologize, swear to change, or claim that they were upset. These attempts to manipulate often succeed, since the person getting abused remembers the early days of the relationship and believe the abuser can be that person again. Forgiving almost happens instantly, especially recalling all the ‘good times’ together.

The Signs Of A Trauma Bond.

Traumatic bonds can look a little different depending on the type of relationship, but they tend to have two main characteristics: A cyclical nature and power imbalance.

1. A cyclical nature

First, they depend on recurrent reinforcement. In other words, a cycle of abuse. It is usually easier to leave a situation that is entirely bad, one where the abusive person never offers any kindness or concern for your well-being. If you do not believe someone will ever change, you probably won’t stay in the relationship. But in trauma bond relationships, your partner occasionally does treat you well. They might bring you gifts, call you their soul mate, take you out, or urge you to relax. These gestures can be confusing and disarming, especially if thought of as signs of permanent change. Eventually, love begins to overshadow the fear of further abuse. As you slowly regain a sense of trust, you might ignore or suppress memories of their past behavior until the cycle begins again.

2. A power imbalance

These bonds also rest on an underlying imbalance of power. In this dynamic, you might feel as if your partner controls you to the point where you no longer know how to resist or break free. Even if you manage to leave the relationship, you might have a hard time breaking that bond without professional help. You might feel incomplete or lost without them and sooner or later return, simply because the abusive cycle is familiar to you, and you do not know how to live without it yet.

3. Other key signs

• You feel unhappy and may not even like your partner any longer, but you still feel unable to end things.

• You protect them by keeping the abusive behavior a secret.

• You continue to trust them and hope to change them.

• When you do try to leave, you feel physically and emotionally distressed.

• You make excuses and defend their behavior when others express concern.

• Argue with or distance yourself from people trying to help, such as friends, family members, or neighbors.

• When you say you want to leave, they promise to change but make no effort to do so.

• You fixate on the ‘good’ days, using that as proof that they truly care.

• Agree with the abusive person’s reasons for treating you badly.

4. A person bonded with their abuser might say, for example:

• “He is only like that because he loves me so much, you would not understand.”

• “It is my fault, I made them angry.”

• “I will not leave him; he is the love of my life. You are just jealous.”

• “She is under a lot of pressure at work, she cannot help it. She will make it up to me later.”

It is worth noting that these feelings of attachment do not necessarily end when the person leaves the harmful situation. A person may still feel loyal or loving toward the person who abused them or feel tempted to return.

5. Here’s a test that might help, though it’s not at all conclusive:

Ask yourself whether you’d encourage a loved one to leave a similar relationship. Answer honestly. If you answer yes but still feel powerless to leave your relationship, that’s a good indicator of trauma bonding.

Why Does A Trauma Bond Form.

1. Attachment

Trauma bonds are the result of an unhealthy attachment. People form attachments as a means of survival. Babies become attached to the parents or caregivers whom they depend on, and adults form attachments to others who provide comfort or support. When someone’s main source of support is also their abuser, a trauma bond can develop much easier. An abused person may turn to the abusive person for comfort when they are hurt, even if the other person was the one who caused it.

2. Dependence

An individual may develop a traumatic bond because they rely on the abusive person to fulfil emotional needs. For example, a child relies on their parent or caregiver for love and support. If that caregiver is abusive, the child may come to associate love with abuse. Believing that this association is normal, the child may be unable to see the abusive parent or caregiver as unhealthy and “bad” for them. The child may instead blame themselves for the abuse as a way of making sense of what is happening to them. This allows the caregiver to continue being “good” in the child’s eyes, which reinforces their bond.

3. Cycle of abuse

Some abusive relationships follow a pattern of abuse, then remorse. After causing harm, an abusive person may promise to change. Some may demonstrate extreme kindness or be romantic to “make up” for their behavior. This gives the abused person hope that their suffering will end and that they will one day receive the love or connection that the abuser has promised. The person experiencing the abuse may see suffering as a price to pay for kindness. Remorseful behavior may also cause the abused person to feel grateful, particularly if they have become accustomed to poor treatment. This reinforces the bond.

4. The freeze response

Perhaps you’re familiar with the fight-or-flight response, your body’s automatic response to any perceived threat. Maybe you’re even aware people respond to threats in four different ways: fight, flight, freeze, fawn. When you face abuse or fear the possibility of future abuse, your brain recognizes the impending distress and sends a warning to the rest of your body. Adrenaline and cortisol (the stress hormones) flood in, jump-starting your survival instinct and triggering emotional and physical tension. Here’s where the power imbalance comes into play. If you don’t feel as if you can safely escape or stand up to the person abusing you, freezing might seem like the best option, so you stay. When thoughts of the abuse become too painful or difficult to bear, you choose to focus on the positive parts of your relationship and ignore or block out the rest. You might make excuses for them and justify their behavior to rationalize your need to stay. Each repetition of the cycle can reinforce this sense of powerlessness, the seeming certainty that you will never be able to escape. You come to believe the false reality they have constructed to control you: You need them. They need you. You are nothing without them. No one else cares. These lies can take larger and larger blocks from your identity and self-worth, tying you more tightly to the relationship.

5. Hormones play a part, too

Hormones can be powerful reinforcers. You only have to look at dopamine’s role in addiction to find support for this. Dopamine has a similar function in trauma bonding. After an incident of abuse, the period of calm that often follows can ease your stress and fear. Apologies, gifts, or physical affection offered by the abusive person serve as rewards that help reinforce the rush of relief and trigger the release of dopamine. Since dopamine creates feelings of pleasure, it can strengthen your connection with the abuser. You want the dopamine boost, so you continue trying to make them happy to earn their affection. Physical affection or intimacy also prompt the release of oxytocin, another "feel-good" hormone that can further strengthen bonds. Not only does oxytocin promote connection and positive feelings, but it can also ease fear. Physical affection from an abusive partner, then, might dim distress and emotional pain, making it easier to focus on the positive treatment.

When Can Trauma Bonding Happen.

In theory, trauma bonding can occur in any situation that involves one person abusing or exploiting another. This may include situations that involve:

• domestic abuse

• child abuse : a child and an abusive caregiver or other adult

• incest

• elder abuse

• kidnapping or hostage-taking

• human trafficking

• sexual abuse

• religious extremism or cults

• exposure to abusive relationships growing up

• perceive a real threat of danger from their abuser

• experience harsh treatment with small periods of kindness

• lack of social support

• be isolated from other people and their perspectives

• attachment insecurity

• believe that you cannot escape

Trauma bonding can occur in any situation of abuse, no matter how long or short an amount of time it lasts. That said, it is most likely to happen in a situation where the abuser makes a point of expressing love to the person they are abusing, and where they act as if the abuse will not happen again after each time it does. It is that combination of abuse and positive reinforcement that creates the trauma bond or the feeling of the abused that the abuser is not all bad.

It may be difficult to understand how someone in such a terrible situation like one of the above could have feelings of love, dependence, or concern for the person or people abusing them. While you may not understand it if you've never been in a situation yourself that involved cyclical abuse, it's pretty straightforward. The bond forms out of the basic human need for attachment as a means of survival. From there, an abuse victim may become dependent on their abuser. Add in a cycle in which an abuser promises never to repeat the abuse and gains the victim's trust repeatedly, and you have a complex emotional situation that affects even people who seem very emotionally strong.

Stages Of Trauma Bonding.

You may have heard of the seven stages of trauma bonding. Though each trauma bond is unique, they often involve a version of the common patterns listed below.

Love Bombing

Love bombing is when a person overwhelms you with grand displays of affection. They might send you extravagant bouquets of flowers every day for a week or tell you that they love you early on in the relationship.

Gaining Trust

An abuser may perform specific actions to be considered trustworthy. If you doubt their trustworthiness, they may become offended that you would doubt them in the first place.

Criticizing the Victim

An abuser often criticizes the victim to the point where the victim even blames themself. In many cases, the victim comes to believe they deserve the criticism; even when they've done nothing wrong.

Manipulating the Victim

Abusers defend their own behavior by manipulating their victims. When a victim tries to speak out against unfair treatment, the abuser might gaslight them. They may even convince the victim that the abuse is normal and there is nothing wrong with it.

Resignation

Often known as the fawn response to trauma, after repeated incidents of abuse, a victim often resigns to going along with the abusive behavior. They comply to what the abuser wants. The fawn response is often referred to as people-pleasing. However, it is also a coping mechanism for survival.

Psychological Distress

A victim experiences severe psychological distress as a result of abuse; unfortunately, during this stage, they may also experience emotional numbness, feeling as though they have lost who they are, withdrawing from people and activities, and even suicidal ideation. If you experience suicidal thoughts, contact the National Suicide Crisis Line on 0800 567 567 for support and assistance.

The Cycle Repeats

Unfortunately, the cycle of abuse is characterized by its repetition. After an abusive incident, an abuser often begins the stages of trauma bonding all over again by love bombing the victim and regaining their trust. The victim may make excuses for the abuser's behavior. Things may seem like they're returning to normal, until another incident of abuse occurs.

The cycle of abuse can be broken. Though it may seem impossible at times, many people go on to end abusive relationships and find safety in healthy relationships.

Breaking The Trauma Bond.

Breaking a trauma bond can be challenging and may take time, but it is possible. People who experienced abuse in childhood often feel drawn to similar relationships in adulthood, since the brain already recognizes the highs and lows of the cycle. A history of trauma can make it even harder to break trauma bonds, but you can learn to stop this cycle.

Focus on the present: Hope that an abusive person will change or recalling good times can keep people in their trauma bonds. Try to acknowledge what is currently happening and the impact that it has by pausing to reflect on it.

Focus on the evidence: If a person continues to abuse or takes no steps to get help, stay focused on this, rather than on their promises about the future.

Practice positive self-talk: Abuse can lower a person’s self-esteem, feelings of self-worth and make them feel that they cannot be without the abusive person. Noticing negative self-talk and challenging with positive alternatives can start to change this.

Practice self-care: Taking care of oneself may help relieve some stress and reduce the desire to turn to an abusive person for comfort. Journaling, meditation, exercise, hobbies, prayer, or talking to trusted friends can help.

Learn about abusive and toxic relationships in order to spot the signs early and reinforce that they are not healthy.

Create a plan to improve safety and make it possible to leave: Safety plans include personalized steps that an individual can take to protect themselves physically and emotionally. The plan may include:

• safe places where someone can go to protect themselves, children, or pets from violence

• names and contact information for people who provide support

• information about local organizations and services

• a way to gather evidence of the abuse, such as a journal with events and dates that a person keeps in a safe place

• a plan to leave, considering factors such as money, a safe place to live, and work

• a plan for staying safe after leaving, which may include changing locks and phone numbers, altering working hours, and pursuing legal action

Know what you’re dealing with: Recognizing the existence of the bond is an important first step. When it comes to abuse, of course, this is often easier said than done.

Keep a journal: Writing down things that happened each day can help you begin to identify patterns and notice problems with behavior that may not have seemed abusive in the moment. When abuse does happen, note what happened and whether your partner said anything afterward to excuse it.

Consider the relationship from another perspective: Pretend you are reading about your relationship in a book. It is often easier to examine negative events when you have some level of detachment. Pay attention to the small details that make you uncomfortable or give you pause. Do they feel healthy to you?

Talk to loved ones: It is not easy to open up about abuse. Maybe you got angry or brushed off friends and family when they expressed concern in the past. Yet loved ones can offer essential perspective. Challenge yourself to listen and make a real effort to consider the accuracy of their observations.

Avoid self-blame: Believing you caused the abuse or brought it on yourself can make it harder to exercise your autonomy, effectively keeping you in the relationship. Remind yourself that abuse is never your fault, no matter:

• what you may or may not have done

• how deeply you fear loneliness or a life without them

• how many times you’ve already gone back

You do deserve better. Replacing self-criticism and blame with affirmations and positive self-talk can help this truth begin to take hold.

Cut off contact completely: Once you make the decision to leave, disrupt the cycle completely by stopping all communication. If you co-parent, this might not be possible, but a counsellor or psychologist can assist you establish a plan to maintain only necessary contact. Create physical distance by finding a safe place to stay, such as with a relative or friend. Also consider changing your contact number and email address, if possible. If you can’t do that, block them completely. They might get through with a new number, but ignore these messages and calls. They might insist they’ll change, attend couples counselling or therapy, do anything, as long as you will just come back. These promises can seem tempting. Remind yourself, though, of just how many times they’ve already promised to change.

Seek professional help, if possible. If possible visit a counsellor or psychologist in order to effectively work through the experienced trauma.